A friend of mine lent a book to read called the Through away daughter. I was put off immediately by the title because of the first tone. It seems to be the prevailing perception that if you were adopted that your birth parent died or "through" you away. Why? Is it not just as possible that the birth parent is "gifting" the child?
Too often we think that people are heartless or selfish. Perhaps what we believe is more important than the truth at times. I choose to believe that my birth mother gave me up as a gift. Not that she couldn't have raised me on her own, I'm sure that we would have done just fine, but she decided that I would have the best chance if I had two parents instead of one. I sometimes look at those stories that are everywhere of women who have children and decide to keep them without having any of the tools to help that child become the person they have the potential to be. I want it be understood that I am not judging ever girl that keeps their child. It is their choice and if both the mother and the child grow up healthy and happy that is all that matters.
I am thankful to my birth mother for the her selflessness to put me above her desire to keep me, for the gift of my wonderful life, friends, and family.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Loki
Loki: What am I?
Odin: You're my son.
*****
Loki: You could have told me what I was, from the beginning! Why didn't you?
Odin: You're my son. I wanted only to protect you from the truth.
*****
Loki: So why did he lie?
Frigga (the mother): He kept the truth from you, so that you would never feel different. You are our son, Loki. And we your family.
I went to see the movie THOR for the second time last week. The first time I watched it I was so smitten with ... well, several elements that I only barely noticed the underlining story. This movie depicts one of the most awful things that some parents seem to think is ok but always does damage. Odin has taken a baby from another people and raised him along with his first born son without telling him that he is adopted. He does not find out until he an adult. After examining this movie more I could understand why a parent would not tell their child that they were adopted. Frigga explains to her son that the reason for the silence was because they did not want Loki to feel different.
Here is the lesson. It is what it is. You cannot just decide that the story will be different if you make up another one. The story is the story. It is hard for everyone to come to terms with who they are and for adoptees the task is doubly hard because of the fact the our story of origin is most often unknown. In some cases it takes adoptees most of their lives to work through that fact. I cannot think of a more horrific thing than to start your life with one story and build on that foundation and then when you have built who you are on that foundation to have someone rip that out from under you. It is hard to know who you are so it is always better to know as much of the story from the beginning as possible.
My own parents presented my creation story as something to be proud of and celebrate. I can remember growing up and talking to my mother about my birth mother. My mom would always say that she was grateful to my birth mother because out of her tragedy and sacrifice I was able to come to our family. My birth mother was someone to be praised. This did not diminish my parents role in my heart because we had been sealed together for all eternity. As a Latter-Day Saint (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) my family held a ceremony when I was a baby that introduced me into that family as though I had been born naturally. This knowledge helped me to feel cemented in my family while being allowed to think about my birth family.
Being adopted is something that I must deal with almost every day. It gets easier because I have already worked through these issues before. If I were to go back to the beginning of my story at my current age . . . I don't know if I would ever be Okay.
Thank you Mom and Dad for not making this a secret story and giving me this wonderful gift.
Odin: You're my son.
*****
Loki: You could have told me what I was, from the beginning! Why didn't you?
Odin: You're my son. I wanted only to protect you from the truth.
*****
Loki: So why did he lie?
Frigga (the mother): He kept the truth from you, so that you would never feel different. You are our son, Loki. And we your family.
I went to see the movie THOR for the second time last week. The first time I watched it I was so smitten with ... well, several elements that I only barely noticed the underlining story. This movie depicts one of the most awful things that some parents seem to think is ok but always does damage. Odin has taken a baby from another people and raised him along with his first born son without telling him that he is adopted. He does not find out until he an adult. After examining this movie more I could understand why a parent would not tell their child that they were adopted. Frigga explains to her son that the reason for the silence was because they did not want Loki to feel different.
Here is the lesson. It is what it is. You cannot just decide that the story will be different if you make up another one. The story is the story. It is hard for everyone to come to terms with who they are and for adoptees the task is doubly hard because of the fact the our story of origin is most often unknown. In some cases it takes adoptees most of their lives to work through that fact. I cannot think of a more horrific thing than to start your life with one story and build on that foundation and then when you have built who you are on that foundation to have someone rip that out from under you. It is hard to know who you are so it is always better to know as much of the story from the beginning as possible.
My own parents presented my creation story as something to be proud of and celebrate. I can remember growing up and talking to my mother about my birth mother. My mom would always say that she was grateful to my birth mother because out of her tragedy and sacrifice I was able to come to our family. My birth mother was someone to be praised. This did not diminish my parents role in my heart because we had been sealed together for all eternity. As a Latter-Day Saint (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) my family held a ceremony when I was a baby that introduced me into that family as though I had been born naturally. This knowledge helped me to feel cemented in my family while being allowed to think about my birth family.
Being adopted is something that I must deal with almost every day. It gets easier because I have already worked through these issues before. If I were to go back to the beginning of my story at my current age . . . I don't know if I would ever be Okay.
Thank you Mom and Dad for not making this a secret story and giving me this wonderful gift.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
A run in with a Doctor
Like many times in my life I bump up against a recurring theme, I DON'T KNOW! There are many things I don't know, such as the distance from me to the planet Pluto, the temperature in which petroleum jelly solidifies, or the movements of the Anisoptera or Dragonfly.
The other thing that I don't know is what "runs" in my family. I was at the doctor asking to be checked out for something when he asked me if it ran in my family. I say that I didn't know because I was adopted. He pays little attention at this and continues to ask if I had certain symptoms. I gave the best answer but added that I didn't know if some of the things my body did were exactly normal because I didn't have anyone to base my experiences off of.
Just because my mother didn't have many of the same biological ailments that I had did not mean that my biological mother didn't have something similar. Perhaps this is normal in my genetic relatives, I didn't know. After my explanation the doctor looked at me (for just a moment) as if saying "thanks for not being helpful". This is not the first time that I have gotten that look but I have not gotten it from an adult for a very very long time. It took just about everything in me to not reach across and give him a nice strong slap across the face for being so stupid.
Most of the time I am able to play up the fact that I don't know any biological or ancestral history as it being a wonderful excuse for me to make up what ever I want. "I don't know so I'll say I'm Irish, German, English, Asian, and Native American". It has become a joke that I can use to do lots of things (or not do things). At this moment I could not joke. All I could do was remember that as wonderful as I truly do think being adopted is, I cannot and may never know what "runs in my family".
Monday, June 6, 2011
Kung Fu Panda 2
I went to see the second Kung Fu Panda movie when I was home to visit. During the course of the movie Po learns that he is adopted (being a panda whose father is a duck). He is an adult and is suddenly plagued with violent flashes of his childhood and his family and community being destroyed. This sets Po on a tortured journey to learn what happened to him and his family. At the end of the movie Po comes back to his (adoptive) father after learning about the destruction of his family and has a wonderful moment of fully accepting his father as such because he is the one who raised Po. The last scene shows the audience that Po's family is actually alive.
The whole time I was watching this movie I tried to just enjoy it and not start to analyze every part because it was an enjoyable movie. I laughed at the hilarity of Po not realizing that surly he could not have come from a duck. However another part of me could not help but examine my own situation of not knowing what has happened to my birth family. I ask myself if I were to have any kind of flashes of what my birth family was like, would I feel differently? Would I be able to continue about my life the way that it is now? Much like Po I wonder if I would suddenly be consumed in my quest to find answers.
In those fleeting moments when I would leave the reality of the movie to examine what it might be communicating about adoption I was saddened by the film's final scene in which we see that Po's birth family is truly alive. This suggests that there will be a third movie where Po will discover their existence and eventually go to be part of that family. This seems to be a prevailing narrative that many have about adoption. I have always said that "I like being adopted", meaning like that I was adopted as well as I like being adopted by people I consider family throughout my life. Family is not just something that happens through the production of a life form. That is procreation. Family comes when people care about you and do what is best for you over time. My parents are not my family because they signed a paper or gave birth to me or allowed me to live through the years. My family is my family because they have cared about me, watched and helped me grow, and done the hard things that have made me a better person and continue to do those things. That is family.
That is what makes many people who do not have the name of Pinnegar my family as well.
The whole time I was watching this movie I tried to just enjoy it and not start to analyze every part because it was an enjoyable movie. I laughed at the hilarity of Po not realizing that surly he could not have come from a duck. However another part of me could not help but examine my own situation of not knowing what has happened to my birth family. I ask myself if I were to have any kind of flashes of what my birth family was like, would I feel differently? Would I be able to continue about my life the way that it is now? Much like Po I wonder if I would suddenly be consumed in my quest to find answers.
In those fleeting moments when I would leave the reality of the movie to examine what it might be communicating about adoption I was saddened by the film's final scene in which we see that Po's birth family is truly alive. This suggests that there will be a third movie where Po will discover their existence and eventually go to be part of that family. This seems to be a prevailing narrative that many have about adoption. I have always said that "I like being adopted", meaning like that I was adopted as well as I like being adopted by people I consider family throughout my life. Family is not just something that happens through the production of a life form. That is procreation. Family comes when people care about you and do what is best for you over time. My parents are not my family because they signed a paper or gave birth to me or allowed me to live through the years. My family is my family because they have cared about me, watched and helped me grow, and done the hard things that have made me a better person and continue to do those things. That is family.
That is what makes many people who do not have the name of Pinnegar my family as well.
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