Recently I have had the chance to visit my home. I visited family and friends and lounged about. During this time I got to see my brother. He and I were adopted from different families. Growing up we had a, for lack of a word that will not alert the police, rough relationship. All siblings fight but most have a sense that they still love each other no matter how much they fight, or that is the story I have in my head. You fight a bicker and say things like "I hate you" or "I wish you had never been born". For the most part this is said just to hurt the sibling and not stated as an actual fact of true feelings. After the fight love is exchanged and wounds are mended.
For me that was not always true. I knew that my brother and I were adopted and that we had not come from the same birth family. This meant that the facts that everyone else grows up with were not present in my life and not only were they not fact but they were made into questions that might have very horrific answers. I was aware that he or I could decide not to clam the other as a sibling. We could choose to go our separate ways and not be family. We didn't get along and there were times when I didn't know if I even loved him on any level. There were times when I would be worried that he or I would walk away from each other and then I would be an only child.
I remember in High School. I was going to graduate in a year and I realized that the only times he and I would see each other would be when I came home for holidays. This was so worrisome to me because I still didn't know how he felt. For me, he was my brother. I had made the decision that he was my family and nothing would change that but I didn't know if he had made that determination about me. To him I could still be the girl that wanted to take his spot on the couch, or who would sometime eat the thing that he was saving. He could choose to not be my family. I tried so hard to be extra nice to him and orchestrate things that he and I could do together so that I could have as much time with my brother as I could before I left and might not have a brother anymore.
To some this may sound silly, of course he would still be my brother. Of course he loved me and thought of me as family. Of course... of course... of course... But that was not how it felt. Only recently have I come to understand how much my brother loves me. Now I feel like he and I are siblings. This is a great comfort, knowing that no matter where our lives take us, we are still brother and sister and we will always be there for each other. However, when I think back to the way I felt when that was a question instead of the answer...
I hope no one ever has to feel like that and that those who do remember that family is a choice and we will always have the family we choose. It is not much help but then again nothing is when you feel like that.
